You know sometimes it's a bless to have a blog. When you know that somethings is meant to be kept, but you still need to voice it out, there is always a place where you can come and cry about.

It have been a not very good weekend for me, emotional overide, listening to too many people, exposing to too many advise and comments. I'm a emotionally overthrown person. When things don't goes well, I have to come here to clear my thoughts. I only do it now as I'm always away from my computer all the time over the weekend.

I realise that whenever I'm at my most happiest moments, something will go wrong. I wonder why my happiness don't last long. Must be thinking that I'm talking crap right. Let me relate you my story and you may sort out my thoughts for me.

Friday, I just comment I'm bless, Hubby fetch me over to his house, he bought a Hoodie in Zara, think I already relate everything right. Let's come right to the point on Saturday.

Woke up at 5.30am, Hubby's alarm tone is really irritating, and its far away from bed. Roll around the bed to wake him up, he is a huge teddy bear to wake, but I have my ability. Ha, that's why I'm his baby. Dilly Dally, finally he woke up near 5.40am. Yeah!! I'll go back to sleep as I only need to wake up at 7am. Hubby have pass me his key to lock the gate, I'm so goggy I just nod my head to whatever he says.

Finally woke up at 7am, stand at the balconey and feel the cool air. It's so nice to stay up high, although his is only level 4. Walk around the bedroom, as I keep forgetting my things in my bed. Went down to drink one glass of refreshing water, yum yum. Bath out packed bag and realise Hubby forgot to take his phone! Neven mind his baby is here anyway, she can bring it to him then.

Reach Hotel, so sad didn't get to have my breakfast, forgot to buy cup noodle. Reach office very hungry very hungry, saw Emily Mum in MSN. Inform her that I'm hungry to death, and she offer to treat me at Trapizza. Hooray!! So Happy, wanted to tell Hubby but too bad his phone is with me. Anyway, I might be bumping into him. Went home to change and also brought a big bag, Hubby can help me to carry.

Finally reach Rasa, went back the poolside, as there is so many people I'm just human phobia. Take the lift up to Level 5, whao! It is as chaos as ever, saw my Hubby, he is serving guest and the queue is long. So suave, better move to Lobby Lounge to wait for Emily Mum. Saw alot of people walking here and there enquring about me. I starting to feel awkard already. Finally met Emily Mum, was walking behind her as she needs to tell Daddy she is leaving. Help there is alot of peeps, and I do not want to create commotion that I'm here. So when Emily bid her farewell, I follow her and down to Trapizza.

Had a nice lunch, thank you mummy, still have a long way to go! Ask mum whether have she inform Hubby that I'm here. She nod her head then I did not feel anything. Oh man, this is so draggy, then mum say let's go Palawan to see the Animal Show. Alright then, message Chicken that we are still in Sentosa. Finished the Animal Show, just nice Sun called, I inform her that we will go back to Rasa. Alright, let's go. Waited for awhile the stupid tram just don't come, lucky Emily got the connection, met her friend in one of the sentosa van and he give us a ride back to Rasa.

This is where my choked up starts, saw Chicken Hubby and Sun. Something is wrong, Hubby don't smile to me but give me a face. Aiya too stress about work already, went to him and ask them about work. Ok lor like that. Something is wrong, I'm a worm in my Hubby's tummy definitely he is wrong. Ask Sun whether he is angry she just shoke her head, alright then I'm too negative le. Delete Delete... Suddenly he turn to talk to Sun, he just brighten up like that, and when I see him, he just avoid my stare. I don't really feel good about it, feel very disappointed that I cannot share things with him. Emily comment in Chinese, how come he can talk and smile to Sun but nothing to you. Have the urge to cry!! Cannot, Hubby dote me the most! He is not like that, try my best. Still ignore me, alright then, let's take a seat and let him cool down. Went to sit down at the other side. They still continue their private joke and private topic. What happen to his nail, let's look at his keys, there is so many pair. HELP I'M DROWNING IN A SENSE OF LOST OF BELONGING!!!

Told Emily that I'll go Harbour Front the air here is so suffocating. Told them about it, and let them decide they want to follow. When we reach the bus bay to wait for bus, Sun told Hubby where is the nearest UOB, wanted to tell her, but I can't bear to see Hubby's stern face. I'll cry, Sun even tell him that she is lazy to come back here, but he say he will come here on her behalf. Alright then, I have nothing to say. Up the bus, he confronted to me what is wrong. I FEEL LEFT OUT HOW COME YOU ALL CAN TALK IGNORING MY PRESENCE!!! I can't say it out cause everyone will feel awkard.

All the way til we are waiting for Naveen, I do not really talk to them. Try my best to talk, but they just reply me coldly. I'm losing my confidence. When Hubby somewhat cool down and talk to me, I'm already not in me. Why he have to treat me this way. Went out to wait for Naveen so that Hubby can smoke, he confronted me infront of Sun.

Hubby: What's wrong with you, if you don't say it out no one can help you.
Me in mind: I'M BEEN LEFT OUT DUN TREAT ME LIKE THAT.
Me to Hubby: Give me sometime I'll cool down.
Hubby: If you want to cool down you just cool down fast if we are going to be like that, I' m going home its pointless to go out together when no one is talking.
Me in mind: YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IGNORE ME WHY MUST I BE THE ONE ENTERTAINING EVERYONE DO I LOOK LIKE A CLOWN???
Me to Hubby: Just give me sometime I'll cool down.
Hubby: If you are angry with me fine, but why must you be angry with sun, how can you not talk to her, do you know she don't want to come with us, I ask her to come anyhow.
Me in Mind: SUN SUN SUN!! HOW COME EVERYTHING IS SUN. HOW COME YOU CARE ABOUT HER SO MUCH!! YOU DIN'T EVEN KNOW YOU IGNORE ME?!? AM I JUST SO LITTLE TO YOU!! YES I'M JEALOUS YOU ARE SO CARING AND PUT HER IN PRIORITY. HOW MUCH LIMIT DO YOU WANT TO STRECTH ME!!!
Me to Hubby: *Silence*

Here comes Naveen and Emily, they sense that something is wrong. Right I cannot let Hubby feel that I cannot make it. Trying to add into topic, how come everyone is blending with each other so well, they just do not want me to be in the group? Went to Vivo and along the way I hold Hubby's hand. He did not hold my hand back. WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME... HELP!! I'M BLEEDING... I still hold on to it no matter what as I said I'll cool down. I won't let him have the chance to say me. Went to Swensens, long queue, we left the boys there to wait for our turn and we went shopping. I feel that Sun is not very happy with me, but why must she choose to entertain Hubby and just answer me blantly? Trying to find topic, help I'm franctic!! Told her, tomorrow is Ying Ying's bday let's go together, if you want go there yourself la, anyway her party starts at 1pm.

My heart is in millions of pieces. What Happen, how come i do not know anyone at all, why everyone is not the same, today is not April Fool's Day. DON TREAT ME LIKE THAT!! I CAN'T TAKE IT!! PLEASE DUN TREAT ME LIKE THAT I'M ALREADY TRYING!!!

Adeline called, she says she's bored in the train, talk to her about her work and stuff lucky she rescue me, I do not know what to do anymore. I keep pushing her to come, not telling her what is going on. Talk about Emily, What happen the last week. Alright tested that Adeline is normal. Thank god I wont be alone.

Went back to find them in Swensen, the same thing happen, the tension is so strong I want to go home now. I don't want to stay here to torture. Awkard Awkard, push away push away, don't doubt my friends and close one, hold my Hubby's leg, letting him know I'm ok. Trying very hard to bring back Sun, told her let's share food. Adeline came, let's joke and party. Things are still ok, didn't really eat much as I had a late lunch. I'm actually quite particular that Sun and Hubby share the same hobbies. They like milk shake and they like to share their food. Somewhat, I just like this kind of people, it is conincidence.

When we are out and walking round the mall to travel to Clarke Quay as we will have our chill out session there. Trying very hard not to left out Sun and Hubby, very difficult task. Suddenly, Vivien voice out in Chinese, what happen between Rohit and you? HUH!! THAT'S TOO OBVIOUS LA... Don't frightened me please!! Din't really say much just told her its ok and change topic. I realise that Hubby is very worried that Sun is being left out, so he is trying his best to talk to her as well. Trying hard to believe that he is doing this out of goodwill, I really think so!!

Reach Clarke Quay, Hubby still talking to Sun, its nothing one of their private topic about OCBC. Suddenly, Adeline made a very causual remarks that creeps me so much. Rohit have a better lingo with Sun compare to you.WHY!!! WHY MUST IT BE THIS... I realise this is not really what I really want. I don't want to think too much, everyone is reminding me the same thing. Adeline did advise me, and I realise this scenario is so so deja-vu, I've becoming like Yetty and Sun have becoming Me. This is so so great!!

Reach China One, went up and have it cosy, Adeline Vivien and I trying to revive the mood. I don't know is it that the toopic is alien or they just don't want to talk. She just look at her TV on her direction so is Hubby. I'm lost, I know that after tonight it won't be the same. I don't like to act, why do you want me to do all this. I'm trying and I don't get the credit. I'm hurt I'm very hurt. I'm very very hurt. When you realise that someone is alone, the other one by your side is even more alone to see your ignorant to her and see you so worried about the other her.

Actually I know deep down inside this is not it seems to be, there is some misunderstanding. ANYWAY WHAT THE FUCK, EVEN I'M ALONE I'M IN THE WRONG, I LET OUT MY FRUSTRATION I ALSO WRONG. SO JUST LET ME BE WRONG, I'M THE ONE WHO GIVE YOU ONE FUCK UP FACE. I'M THE ONE WHO IGNORE BOTH OF YOU. I'M THE ONE THAT IS CRAZY PETTY AND UNREASONABLE.

Adeline is worried about me and keep asking me to go toilet to cry it out. I realise that I have no one. I realise that I suddenly have no one. From way before, Hubby is already so caring to his house mate. I remember once he said to me "WHY MUST YOU GIVE MORNING CALL TO MURUGAN... WHERE IS HIS WIFE... WHERE IS THE OPERATOR... I JUST DUN LIKE IT WHEN MY GF HAVE TO TAKE OTHER PEOPLE OTHER THEN ME". We have switch role. That's for sure, I always thought that Hubby caring Sun cause she is my best friend. Still maybe he can only concentrate one thing at the time. If he cares about me and Sun things might not be the same. He will worried that Sun went out whole day on her off day don't know what she is up to. He will worried that Sun don't always eat, maybe she will die in her room. He will worried that she worked long hours and will get sick again. Any way it's them who made the mood so weird. I'm trying so hard I already reach the stage of devastation.

I'm trying to be a strong girl. When I'm having dirrea, I didn't get any caring msg from him. He just update me with his life and he only ask about my dirrea when I'm having it for like 1 week. Okay, I admit I'm jealous, I'm really very jealous. I'm trying not to be like Yetty, even if I need attention and support from Hubby sometimes, I wont say it out. Maybe I always bottled up and he didn't realise. I can't blame him for being ignorant to me feelings, as he feels that I will understand him better than everyone, he will feel that I can tolerate everything, but what about me, how much have he know me. It is really so contradicting. You need him to understand but you don't want to fight. I'm still a girl, vulnerable at times. I have use up all my might to tolerate Yetty and you, what more strength have I left to tolerate another one. I don't want to admit the ugly me so self fish and petty. This will make me more away from Hubby. What can I do this happen too often and with everyone telling me, this is already not that I think too much with other people have the same sentiments as me. Then hate to admit it there is soemthing wrong with it.

Finally the brillant Adeline came up with the genius game that involves everyone, played awhile and at least it neutral the ambience abit. Soon, it died down again. Reason that I drink, AIYA FUCK LA... I TRY SO HARD FOR SO MANY HOURS IF NO ONE APPRECIATE JUST LET ME BE ME LA...

Drank half a jug of Vodka lime and half a glass of Corona Extra, I admit I'm not a good drinker. The custom ending, I'm drunk. No one realise, its very unbelievable that no one realise. Adeline is always by my side, when I regret and want to find my Hubby, guess what happen when he realise that I'm drunk. He walked away.

I'm lost!! Really Lost!! Adeline have reach her limit as well, drag me to the toilet to let my heart cry it all out. So what I have blotted eyes, I'm drunk it's normal. He have unconciously hurt me so much, I did not expect such reaction. I wanted to disappear into thin air. I wanted to disappear.

Adeline drag me back to the new club that we went. 1 Night stand, Melvyn is there, met us up there. Adeline wants me to dance away my drunkness so that I'll be abit more sober. Dance and Dance, I just don't have the strength. Went back to look for Hubby, I really wanted to try one last time. I'm suffocating and no strength to struggle it is too long hours for me. Melvyn and him walk out again of the club. I'm devastating, why I need to entertain so many people when I'm wounded all over. Is it me, have I really change what I am suppose to be that's why people are treating me like this. Human are just complicated. I even try very hard to walk straight. Man this is tiring.

Went back with Hubby and Sun, one comforting credit that he award me for trying so hard. At least he lend me his shoulder, and send me back to my door step. Right I do not know what to say. I do not know how to judge, this is out of sympathy, guilt, or no longer angry I do not know. I'm too pain to think about it. Physically and mentally strained.

Called Melvyn and talk it out, suprisingly he understand how I feel. That means something is very wrong right. He did told me the underline of everything. Apparently, Hubby is angry cause he didn't know that I'm at Rasa and I didn't go find him. To add on to his anger, he feels that I too ignore Sun and give her attitude. To top it off, I'm drunk at the end of the day. He did told me before that he dont like me to be drunk cause I'm not me. Melvyn said he will talk to Rohit, I'm too tired to think about it and just let him do it. Surprisingly, Hubby listens to him and he only argue that He and Sun is impossible.

Seriously, after that night, I do not know what is our relationship now to the better or the worse. How he sees me now? Yesterday didn't meet him as he wanted to meet me today, thus he will try to finish everything yesterday and before I knock off so that he can have the rest of the time with me. He is flying tomorrow just to inform others that are clueless.

Poor Ying Ying, I'm sorry that I cannot turn up on your birthday. Apparently, Sun did not turn up as well. I do not know how to talk to her again, something is wrong and I feel that I have lost her. I don't dare to ask her to attend together as the previous day she dont have this intention. To top it off, I feel that she feels that I don't deserved it. Ying Ying, I'll make it up to you ya.

Had a serious hangover and cry the whole day, Naveen is very worried, Emily is very worried, Adeline is very worried, Vivien is very worried, Melvyn is very worried, Rohit?? Sun?? I know no one is in the wrong. Maybe I'm really oversensitive and crazy. Maybe I just get carried away from the comments and words. However, this is really what I feel right now.

I dun know whether have I'm self center and put myself down, but the feeling that I feel now it sucks. Even now when I'm relating and filling up the details, I'm filling my eyes with tears as well. Oh my god, I'm such a mess.